WORD: Grimm and Serious Business

i had a discussion yesterday about music
my music
where it's going, what am i planing to do to get to this and that
now
i admit, these days i kind of keep to myself, and while trying to keep on tap to what drives me to write more stuff, i tend to lose touch with what's going on everywhere else
but inevitably i do end up talking with people, and every time that happens, i get the idea that we really hardly talk the same language, especially when it comes to music
to tell the truth, it comes to the point where i feel uncomfortable saying i'm a musician
i mean, obviously music is the medium i work in
i know that
but then, when faced with what most people consider what it means to be a musician, i'm in a bit of a problem
yeah, sure
playing an instrument or singing, that's being a musician
i know that
i write songs, lyrics, and if you're writing songs, someone or something will inevitably have to sing it
but is that the essence of what i do?
finding tunes and fitting them with words?
can i honestly say that this is what i am doing?

i don't know
the way i see it, the singing and the tune, that's all interchangeable
there isn't really a single song i'm writing
i go over options, variations, and eventually find which option hits the spot i was aiming at good enough for me to say, "it's done"
and if i will remake the same song, everything will change

but furthermore
even the tune i eventually do select means nothing
i'm not trying to put the tune out in the most distinguishable way, or something like that
i use the tune, the lyrics and the entire production as tools to set up a stage in my head
it's not what i'm singing, what is playing, it's "where" it all happens
what is the "mind state" the was before the lyrics and tunes and made them come to be?
what is the justification for selecting them, the tune and the lyrics?
can i honestly justify their use, or am i "faking" it?

this is like a moral issue for me
faking it
i can't look myself in the eye, if i'm "faking it"
i feel embarrassed, ashamed
and there's no one but me that can attest that i have indeed felt the justification for what i eventually released
no one else has a say in this

and then i hear what people consider musicians to be
what musicians consider important for their status as musicians
and frankly, i can't say i relate
can't say what most musicians i speak with think of resemble anything that passes through my mind

how come?
well, let's go over the options:

1. instrument players
well, these diversify into 2 groups. those who play something they wrote, and those who play what other people wrote. those who play something they wrote, if they play more than one instrument and produce their stuff and all that, well, we just might be on the same page (check the next points if you think you are). those who play only one instrument but write their own roles, then unless they're doing strict solo tracks, i'm thinking, do they have any idea how limited is their understanding of the options that they simply never think about, sticking to this single instrument? yeah, i know there's a plus to working as a group, but as individuals, i simply can't see them facing the kind of dilemmas i'm facing when selecting what to use and what to not use. if i say "this track does not need guitars", then i guess the guitarist needs to find something better to do, no? if i feel the need to use too many effects and edits on vocals, i guess we won't be singing it live now, would we? if i feel the track needs an electronic beat, the drummer should find something better to do. and then there are hybrids which are impossible to do live as well.
whatever
what i am saying is that all those holding on to their instruments, they're perspective on what music is and should be is limiting what they can express, and the very thought of limiting myself in such a manner makes me want to stop doing anything and just draw bunnies.
but still, i must confess. some really good things come out of this format. so i'm saying to this group of musicians, were different. it is possible i will relate to your work and consider us as being on the same page. sure, it's possible, but with all honestly, i'm doubtful. but it's possible, so respect should be left where respect might be due
might
it's their job to prove it

HOWEVER!!!
there are musicians who basically are just doing a job. playing a pre given role. and seriously, we have nothing in common. i know a musician can put a personal flavor to a tune, but with all due respect, give it a rest. this is not what i am doing. i confess, i cannot play instrument. at most i can sing. but the lack of options being bound by both an instrument and a tune...this is simply not what i am doing. these musicians never question "are they faking it?". they are "faking it" by the very definition of what it is they do. they fake writing it to begin with.
and this is perhaps the majority of musicians out there.

is this my trait? am i one of them?
i can't say i am

2. singer songwriters
a lot of times i confused myself as being a singer songwriter. but after getting to know these, i found out i'm not really one of those. the difference is about the issue of the production taking over the role that once belonged to a tune. it's about the lyrics evolving to fit the feel that is generated by the clash of the tune with the production. it's about the idea that if you take away the production, a lot of times you simply cannot sing the song anymore with a guitar or a piano. sometimes, you simply cannot sing the song at all!
it's part of the work i do, it's what i try to achieve, and to the point, it means i'm not a singer songwriter.

3. producers
first i want to make it clear that a few producers do exactly what i do, especially today with music programs being so available to anyone with a pc. some people try to achieve exactly what i try to achieve, using similar means. i'm no alien on this earth. but most times, when people refer to the term producer, they refer to it as someone that does the job of producing for someone else. now, while some producers will take a band and transform it into their own brainchild, to the level of writing the music itself, in most cases all a producer does is make an exiting work "excel" in the musical direction they're already taking. they're using their craft to do a pre defined job, and again, this has nothing to do with what i do. what i call producing a song, is nothing less than writing the song itself. there's never a pre-produced version. so again, this is something different from what i do.

4. electronic musicians
well, let's be frank. i am an electronic musician, as everything i record and put out i do on a computer. fine. but the term electronic music mostly refer to something else which i hardly ever do. making people dance. now seriously, i don't feel any need to make anyone dance. i don't see why you have to dance if i'm spilling my guts out in words. you can relate if you like, you can simply not give a shit, but i don't need you to dance. what i wish for someone who listens to my stuff, is that i will make him or her feel emotions as vivid as matter. that's what i feel when i write music, and that's what i want to give others. i'm doing electronic music cuz it gives me a powerful platform for that, c'est tout.

5. rocker
i must admit, the music i grew up on, is rock. it's what made me like music to begin with. bands like janes addiction, tool, even nin can be considered rock...but...
look people. i'm looking at what rock is today, and compare it with what i thought rock was when i grew up liking it, and whatever it was then, what it is now is so below anything i am trying to achieve, i simply don't see myself as belonging there. the instrument players - well i already covered that. the cliches and symbolism and rockstarism...remember what i said about "faking it"? say no more. but more than that, most rock simply become boring as hell to me once i grew up and learned about the other options.
furthermore, there is this analogy between rocking and partying, and i simply don't know what to do with this bullshit. writing music is a fucking struggle against the limitations of my mind and body. it's an effort that takes so much of me, the idea of it being a form of partying, a good time with lots of people, i just don't see a connection.
however, i can see such a connection if you're not really struggling to make music, if you're not fighting demons, if you're not an artist...

that's the ticket people
that's where i was aiming to this point with this whole text
you're not artists
you're not artists as artists were throughout the ages
the ones we remember and cherish centuries after they're dead

let me rewind back to the beginning of this text
people asking me about what i'm doing
talking to me about gaining success, making money from music, having fans, making people like your music now, fucking girls in toilets now, making money now
everything NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!

then coming to me and asking me, how are you going to get that now
what's your game plan?
when's the next gig?
what's your promotion scheme?

i hear these voices, and i must stop the conversation
do i really have the energy to start explaining all this
or do i just give up understanding that if the person i am speaking with did not understand these things already, i guess these things don't apply to him or her...?

i'm talking now with the musicians out there

what is it that we are doing?
is it money?

if so, then seriously, i'm sorry, i make better money in my day job.
really, it pays far far better.

is it for partying and sex and all that?
why?
can't get leverage from your personality and looks that you need to pimp music for it?
sorry to hear that

there are musicians who make a good living from making music, sure
but again, is this really that good money?
stock brokers make more, and get more top class pussy than you can ever dream of

seriously
what the hell are you doing?

what does it mean to have "success" in art?
did vincent van gogh have any form of success in his life?
so i guess his work was shit, no?

what is all this getting success "now"?
when did mozart go out of fashion?

what the fuck are you doing?
are you doing art at all?

the answer is
well
not intentionally
if real art comes out of you, it is by mere chance
like a crazed monkey playing a symphony on a piano by accident
flukes at best

now
i'm not saying i'm a good artist,
but what i am saying is, i cannot say which of us is a successful artist, as none of us has a time machine to know which of us affected the future centuries from now

really
it's a butterfly effect
i can't know, so i'd be stupid to set it as a goal in my life

all i am trying to do is to fix my world by inserting my creation into it
this is my game plan, and it works for what it can

not saying i'm a good artist
just saying i'm an artist
by nature
by instinct
and i don't know what you are
but if we don't see eye to eye on these basic things, then we're not the same
maybe i'm not a musician

and frankly
if nothing i said here makes sense to you
then fine

just get it into your head
when it comes to our views on music
we have nothing in common